Even after a relationship ends, love still persists. And depending on how a relationship ends, the fact that this love still burns, like the eternal flames of the Gates of Hell, this love that we once held so dear can ironically start to cause pain, discomfort, confusion, and suffering. Loving what we believe we can’t have is one of the most painful and stagnating experiences we can go through. We can’t move forward when we’re stuck in this emotional vortex. So, here’s how to detach from someone you love deeply (but need to let go).
(psst… you can use these steps to heal limerence, but I’ll be making a separate post specifically dedicated to recovering from limerence soon ❤️)
First, distinguish between detaching and numbing out.
As I covered in this month’s episode of the Woman Gone Wild Podcast, the purpose of detachment is not to feel aloof, cold, distance, or numb. We’re not detaching to numb out or repress our feelings. Rather, we detach to restore a feeling of ease, pleasure, and alignment with our Deeper Self. This is why detachment is often touted as the key to manifesting. Detachment is the act of realigning with that highly receptive and tuned in state of being.
But after a breakup, when we’re in the midst of so much pain, grief, and confusion, we mistakenly think, “I need to detach,” and then proceed to try to suppress our feelings of hurt, anger, shame, guilt, betrayal, etc.
This is not true detachment. And in fact, doing this only ensures that we recreate more heartbreak in the future or attract similar circumstances, since suppressing our emotions means we don’t address the underlying woes of the relationship and get clear on what we would like to experience in the future. Plus, the lid is bound to pop on your suppressed emotions. Sooner or later, those roosters will come to roost.
How to Detach from Your Ex (Even If You Still Love Them)
Detachment is the process of removing the anxiety, angst, and suffering around our desire.
More clearly, detachment is the process of receiving wisdom from our emotions, clarifying our desires, and realigning with our Deeper Self who is focused purely on our newly defined desires.
Let’s go through these steps together, shall we? Get out a journal and a pen and complete the following exercises:
How to Detach from Someone You Love Deeply (Step-by-Step)
#1 – Receive Wisdom from Your Emotions
In your journal, in a voice memo to yourself, or out loud in a private space, express the feelings that are arising around your breakup and relationship, without filtering yourself.
Don’t try to be polite or considerate. If you’re fucking pissed off because this person abandoned you or was abusive towards you. Say it. Yell it. Scream it. Let yourself go there.
There is no value in hiding your own emotions from yourself. It’s just you and You here. And me… sort of. And I want you to rage, cry, stomp around, do whatever you need to.
Let it all out…
As you express your feelings, let the pent up emotional energy release. As you do so, you will feel a space of wisdom opening up. If you are an advanced meditator or PUSSY ACADEMY member, you’ll recognize this spacious calm as the Deeper Self. The divine aspect of you, holding you with love and care.
What did you realize from your emotional release? If you were being totally honest (and again, just you and You here – and me… sort of – and I’m cheering you on): why are you really upset? What hurt the most about this? What is the most painful part of this loss? What wisdom can you receive from this experience?
Let the answers flow…
Bonus Step: Complete a Burning Ceremony
You may want to keep your journal pages for personal reasons, but it may also feel energetically lighter to burn them. I usually feel into this for myself and trust my intuition.
Here’s a burning ceremony visualization to help you achieve a deeper release:
(You can complete this physically with the journal pages or simply visualize it.)
Burning Ceremony Visualization to Let Go and Move On (Better than Cord Cutting)
Depending on how fresh your breakup is and how much of it you’ve already processed, this step may take weeks to months to years (no shame here! Some breakups stay with us for years, if we don’t process them). You may need to redo this process multiple times over the upcoming months in order to fully detach from the old relationship. Be gentle and patient with yourself. There is no rush and if you take the time to go through the healing and grieving process, you will be more prepared for a more fulfilling love in the future.
During this time, it can be very beneficial to have coaching support and access to loving self-pleasure and somatic healing practices that help you to remain dedicated to your desire for a profound love and consistent in your healing process. (These practices will also help you navigate the raging urge to throw in the towel, adopt 3 cats, and move to a cabin in the woods to live out the rest of your days as a witchy cat lady… yes, this is very specific. Yes, these are thoughts I’ve had during my own breaking points, because golly these dating streets do be treacherous… and ghetto. Very ghetto.)
If you would like some loving support as you navigate your breakup recovery journey, join PUSSY ACADEMY, where you’ll receive three soul-expanding programs to become your most orgasmic and potent self.
#2 – Clarify Your Desires
Now that you’ve given yourself the time and space to purge the emotional buildup, you’ll begin to feel that there is a desire underneath your hurt and frustration. In your journal or out loud, speak those desires now.
Be honest and truthful with yourself. Remember, again, it’s just me and you here. There is no harm that comes from knowing what you want. It is the next step to healing and moving forward, so be honest with yourself.
Are there inappropriate desires?
You may feel that your desire is for your ex to return and apologize and sweep you off your feet. If your relationship was abusive (especially if you are exiting a relationship with a narcissist), you may have a desire to see them suffer and receive a taste of their own medicine.
We often shy away from these desires because it feels inappropriate, wrong, or hateful. And as love-seeking people, we don’t want to acknowledge that we may have those thoughts or feelings.
These desires are not inappropriate. They simply mean that you still have some underlying frustration, anger, and grief to process.
Don’t shame yourself for these desires. Instead hold them with tenderness and curiosity. You know that in your heart of hearts, you don’t really want them to suffer and you don’t really want to repeat a cycle of abuse or be with someone who doesn’t truly love you.
Navigating these feelings take a little more of a nuanced touch. If you would like my support in processing your grief, longing, and resentment, I invite you to join us in PUSSY ACADEMY, where you’ll have regular access to live coaching and a community of women dedicated to experiencing real love.
While the investment in PUSSY ACADEMY can be intimidating, the reward is infinitely valuable, because the reward is YOU. This program is designed to not only help you heal your intimacy wounds, but access your Deeper Self and master your alignment so that you can remain in the highly magnetic receiving mode.
The PUSSY ACADEMY method works so well because at the core of our desires is pleasure. We want to feel good. Especially for marginalized women or women who are recovering from abuse, neglect, or worthiness wounds, this can be challenging. Even though we know that our Deeper Self (our eternal Self) is innately abundant, loving, and worthy, we, in our humanity, may not believe that. We don’t allow those feel-good desires to come to us because we’re not accustomed to feeling good.
As you reconnect to Pussy and your sensuality, this changes – you feel a definitive shift as you allow yourself to receive more and more pleasure, enabling you to effortlessly access more flow and orgasmic bliss. This is the secret path to the soul.
What you’ll learn in PUSSY ACADEMY is absolutely invaluable and your life will be richer for it. So, go ahead and book your free 25-min Pussy Decoder consultation to get started.
#3 – Realign with Your Deeper Self
Now, that you’ve spoken your desires, it’s time to receive. There are numerous methods for accessing the receiving mode: meditation, yoga, hypnosis, relaxation, rhythmic movement, sound baths, dance, conscious sex, nature walks, sensory focus, and good ol’ happenstance.
I like to teach a soft, orgasmic focus. This is a relaxed, sensually alive, and intuitive state, which you’ll master through the PUSSY ACADEMY practices.
As your bond with your Deeper Self strengthens, you will be able to align with your Deeper Self and remain in the receiving mode more consistently, which will allow all your desires to flow to you – including those you have identified for your love life in Step 2.
This is a deeply rewarding practice and a life skill every woman needs to have to truly flourish.
As you shift your focus to your true desire, it will become easier and easier to release thoughts about your ex. Since you’ve taken the steps to process your emotions, rather than suppressing them. Having gone through these 3 steps, you should also have a good idea about what you would like to improve upon in your approach to relationships moving forward.
Take the necessary steps to work on your communication style, attachment wounds, boundary-setting, and discernment/self-trust – whatever you have set as your personal self-improvement goal moving forward.
How to Detach from Someone You Love – Personal Lessons Learned
Personally, as someone who became codependent and people-pleasing due to childhood trauma, narcissistic abuse, and neglect, this current chapter of my dating life is about trusting my Deeper Self. The abuse that I experienced separated me from my Deeper Self and made it hard for me to trust this place of clear knowing. I always gave people the “benefit of the doubt” even when the alarm bells were going off inside. I was so dedicated to being the “good girl,” I was confusing discernment with being cruelly judgmental, so I often had to manifest a traumatic end to a relationship, because all the confusion caused by CPTSD meant I couldn’t muster the strength and resolve to walk away.
So, personally, I’m prioritizing discernment and trusting my Deeper Self.
We are never alone in our journey. Thank you for being here. This is how to detach from someone you love ❤️
What did you learn from this breakup? What are you choosing to implement and shift as you move forward? What do you primarily desire to feel in your next relationship? Comment below and let’s cheer each other on.
Keep Healing & Expanding
We are never alone in our journey. Thank you for being here. This is how to detach from someone you love ❤️