Explore the 3 hidden barriers to true personal liberation (and healing from narcissistic abuse). This is how to heal toxic shame.

Shame is so prolific that I don’t know a single person who hasn’t felt its terrible kiss. Toxic shame has been with me my whole life it feels. Or, more accurately, as long as I can remember. Recent years have brought whispers of family secrets that have allowed me to piece together the origins of this shame and finally set the little girl in me free. My hope is that this conversation on healing can help you do the same.

The Cost of Toxic Shame

When shame takes root in our inner garden, it poisons the foundation of our being, making it difficult for us to ever blossom. 

Shame Prevents True Intimacy

Shame and intimacy go hand in hand. Since shame often causes us to constrict inwards, we can often come under the illusion that our shame is personal and has nothing to do with the outside world. Shame tells us we are not worthy, we are broken, flawed, or sullied in some way. And so, it’s easy to think our shame is just about us and our own “brokenness.” 

But as I share in the video class, shame is a social emotion. Our nervous system uses shame to help us manage impulses and behaviors that could jeopardize our social standing. This comes at a cost. Over time, shame wears away at our spirit and sense of self. Because shame drives us to hide our true (“shameful”) self, we curate a false self to present to the world, while hiding the true self. This makes it impossible for us to have true authentic relationships and deep intimacy when shame is present.

Understanding why we pay this steep cost of shame requires understanding why our nervous system willingly opts for this painful emotion in the first place: Your nervous system employs shame to prevent the loss of something you value or need from your society/tribe for survival. This means the resource is secure, but it also means releasing the shame programming becomes extra difficult. 

Due to the nature of shame and why the nervous system employs it, shame healing naturally comes at a cost. And we often only opt to pay that price when the cost of not healing becomes greater than the cost of keeping the toxic shame intact. 

For some, the equation never balances out. The projected pain of losing their good social standing or other social markers of acceptability and respectability is simply too unbearable. Successfully healing shame requires strong social support (or even spiritual support), otherwise we may revert to the shame programming to stay socially afloat.

If you’re like me ten years ago, you may be feeling prompted to start your shame healing journey by a deep desire to finally feel truly known and loved. Your hunger for profound intimacy and depth in your relationships makes keeping up the facade unbearable.

Toxic Shame Makes Life Feel Hollow

It’s also important to realize that the longer we hold onto toxic shame, the steeper the cost. When you build more and more of your life on an internally fractured and false self, it doesn’t take long before you start to feel the hollowness at the center. You’ve built your life on something that isn’t real. 

When Shame is Used to Manipulate…

Anyone who has struggled with shame knows how debilitating it can become, leaking into every area of your life, making you feel small and unworthy of goodness. Abusers are also aware of this powerful effect shame has on the human psyche. 

When shame is used as a manipulative and abusive tactic in toxic relationships, families, and systems, this is a form of coercive control. Shame can prevent us from seeing ourself, our abuser, and our experience clearly. As a result, we can become internally conflicted about standing up to abuse and/or leaving the toxic dynamic. Oftentimes, our shame will tells us that it’s not the relationship that’s wrong, but us, making us doubt if we are worthy of better treatment. 

While shame is protective feeling, an attempt by our nervous system to keep us safe, it can become a very dangerous and harmful emotion, causing or inflaming other mental health issues like depression, anxiety, self-harm, eating disorders, and more.

While shame is often normalized in our society and widely used to manipulate and control social behavior, we don’t actually need shame in order to survive and have healthy social experiences. It often hinders us more than we can even realize because sometimes it’s all we’ve known… 

How to Start Your Shame Healing Journey

Healing can begin when we recognize why we’re feeling shame and the cost of this shame. I’ve gifted a video class, “Healing Toxic Shame,” from the February Loving Yourself Free Series, which you can access through the 30-Day Meditation Challenge. Inside this class, you’ll learn more about the social power of shame and the emotional antidote to shame. Watch Now on YouTube » (or Tap play on the video above)

Common forms of shame to explore and heal include internalized racism, internalized misogyny, sexual shame, and shame from being abused, scapegoated, or publicly shamed in a smear campaign. 

I offer several Private Coaching options for those looking to heal: 

• Intimacy Coaching for women who want to become their most orgasmic and potent selves. Ideal route for addressing sexual shame, shame resulting from abuse, and internalized misogyny
• Deeper Self Coaching for everyone who wants to spiritually awaken and master their connection to the Deeper Self. Ideal route for general shame healing and healing internalized racism. 
• The Nurture Sessions – Pay-What-Feels-Good Private Coaching for everyone. In response to the political upheaval here in the U.S., I’ve decided to offer these sessions so that private coaching can be available for all income levels. Spots are first come, first served and open to anyone anywhere in the world. 
  • Book Now
  • These sessions are open to all. You don’t have to be located in the U.S. or experiencing extreme hardship to claim a spot. If you connect with my teachings and offerings and would like to work together, I would be honored to be your coach. 

Healing shame is revolutionary work. It is a battle for your true and full existence. But healing IS possible. May you have the courage to take the next step and start your shame healing journey 💗

Loving Yourself Free Pt. 3: Amending Guilt & Self-Blame

Part 3 is up and ready for you! Dive into this conversation on how to identify healthy guilt vs. toxic guilt and unpack a toxic habit of self-blame. This class ends with an illuminating meditation to help you heal, give yourself grace, and move forward. 

Join the 30-Day Meditation Challenge to access Part 3 »

Have you finally decided the cost of shame is too high? Are you ready to heal? Comment and share your reflections ❤️