Energetically detaching from your desire is often believed to be the key to manifesting wealth, harmonious relationships, and yes, ending all suffering… but is that true? Just because something sounds right, doesn’t mean it is. In this case, this is only partially true – can you spot the false truth? In this episode of the Woman Gone Wild podcast, we are putting our spiritual detective caps on again to pick apart a common misconception that can have major consequences on our lives and relationships. Cuz’ yes, learning how to practice detachment *correctly* may just be the secret to getting everything you want, but when detachment goes wrong, we may find ourselves being taken advantage of in wishy-washy relationships, agitate our anxiety trying to force ourselves “not to care,” or simply prolong the manifestation of our desires.
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Inside the Episode:
- The emotion driving the desire to detach
- Does detaching always end suffering?
- The true purpose of detachment
- 3 Ways Detachment is Misused and Abused in Relationships
- How to practice detachment correctly for positive outcomes in love & life
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Episode Transcript
Introduction – January Wins & NEW FREE MASTERCLASS! Mastering the Womanly Arts
I recently had one of my closest friends move to Canada and she gifted me for Christmas — No, it was my birthday. I’m a fall baby, so around the same time. But she gifted me this beautiful calendar. And can you guess what is on each month? This actually says a lot about me. It’s a calendar of trees. And this month is the cedar of Lebanon. It’s a gorgeous big tree. I love big trees. There’s just something about being held under the shadow of a ginormous tree. I love it.
And recently I’ve been going for my walks and purposefully trying to look at the tippy tops of the trees. Maybe I’ll share a video on Instagram, but I love to see the branches swing especially on the pine trees, the leaves, and you’re just like, “Wow, look at that thing. I wonder how long it took you to grow.”
Thank you for being dedicated to your growth year after year. And like that big tree, we too are growing and staying dedicated to our growth year after year. So thank you for being here with me. Welcome to 2024 🎉 I hope your year has started off marvelously. Marvelously? I feel like I skipped a few letters there. Anyways, welcome back to the show. Let’s dive in.
Theme Song
Hi, I’m Yanique Bell, the Pussy Queen. I blend Tantric philosophy, science, and my own embodied soul wisdom to help women become their most orgasmic and potent selves by reclaiming their pussy and original soul essence. Get ready to experience sex so deep that it rivals your meditation practice. You’re listening to Episode 111 of the Woman Gone Wild podcast. “How to Detach for Positive Outcomes in Love and Life.”
Personal Updates & Announcements
Okay, this has got to be one of my strongest starts to the year ever. January has been going really well. As in for my personal goals. Personally, I have dedicated myself to a 30-day yoga journey. I’m doing the Yoga with Adrienne 30-day yoga journey. I’ve always wanted to do it in the month of January and daily. And I have had a couple days where I, for whatever reason, could only fit in five minutes of either my own thing or I’ll do five minutes of a video and then double up on like the following day but other than that I’ve been keeping up with it. And I still count those days. It’s just I like to stay flexible with my goals. I’m like, “I’m gonna get this right.”
I’ve been really enjoying that practice and just seeing momentum growing I love being consistent these days. That’s one of my words for this year consistency, self-honesty and momentum, letting things really build step-by-step brick-by-brick, and I’m enjoying the process. And my hope is that today’s episode helps you in your process, whatever you are creating this year, because all creation involves some level of detachment, and I’ve realized that misunderstanding what detachment is can actually deter you from reaching your desires.
Especially if you believe that you have to detach in order to manifest. So let’s get the script right this year. In this episode you’re going to be learning what detachment is and what it is NOT. You’re going to learn three ways that we tend to misuse and abuse detachment.
So definitely watch out for these three ways because it can actually become a tactic in abusive relationships. So you’re not only learning about how to detach to manifest your desires, but how to healthily detach, so to speak, within relationships and what that actually looks like and ways that people can use this language to actually take advantage of you.
You’re going to learn the true purpose of detachment and you’re going to learn my personal approach to detachment and how to approach it in a way that actually doesn’t lead to overthinking or your ego mind becoming overly activated and finding it actually harder to detach because it’s kind of a… you have to reverse psychology it in order to get it right because our minds just don’t really work in that way. We can’t shut it off from wanting something so we have to come about it in a slightly different way.
NEW! Free Live Masterclass – Mastering the Womanly Arts
So I hope you’re as excited as I am for this episode and before we dive in, I do want to let you know that I have a free live masterclass. So if you are determined to get what you want this year and get manifesting absolutely right and become your most orgasmic and potent self then I’ve got a free live masterclass for you. It’s called Mastering the Womanly Arts: How to Get Anything You Want from Love, Life, and the Universe and I’m going to be teaching you how to shift into this very unique and potent energetic state. One that would literally, literally, literally solve most, if not all, of your problems. So scary to say that ’cause I’m like, am I overselling? But I’m not. This is the highly receptive state that allows us to access our inner genius and I’ve been seeing a lot of results in my own life and I’m excited to share it with you in this free live masterclass. So get ready to learn how to enter that state using a delicious bio-hack and also two traits that every single woman who has mastered the art of being a woman.
Any woman that you can think of right now where you’re like “Damn, that’s a woman.” Like she is being who she is. She’s mastered actually these two things and I want to tell you what they are because they seem kind of vague, amorphous, and like this untouchable quality, but they are totally tangible. Two things that you can master as well. And they’re teachable. So join that free live masterclass. The link will be in the description box or the show notes. Find it wherever you’re listening. It’s yaniquebell.com/freemasterclass. The final time for January is going to be this Saturday at 10 AM. That’s January 27th at 10am Eastern Time.
But I’ll also be adding times for February. So if you don’t see a time that works for you, just stay tuned. I’ll add some more times for February. And if you are looking to stay in touch with me, learn when new masterclasses are going to be, get alerted when new videos are up, new blog posts… I have been writing a lot more and scheduling a lot of blog posts for this year. If you want to stay in the loop, then of course join the newsletter so that you don’t miss anything. You can sign up at yaniquebell.com/newsletter and all of these links are going to be in the show notes.
We are rapidly approaching the end of January and I do plan to do a live monthly for either this month or in February. These are live monthly gatherings that are only accessible to newsletter subscribers and then the replays are only accessible to those who purchase my Sensual Refresher Kit and the link to that is also in the show notes, but I have a couple that are planned.
I haven’t set the date yet. When I do you’ll probably learn about them this weekend as the end of the month is almost here so if I’m gonna do a January one it’s got to be now. So I’ll get back to you, but again all of this is gonna be in the newsletter. To find out about those dates and make sure that you have access to those goodies.
And I might… I want to do a really special call for just like getting in alignment with your desires so that might actually only be available to people who purchase the Sensual Refresher Kit. So stay tuned for that, we’ll see what I decide to do. But yeah, join the newsletter. Oh, I don’t want to forget to say this. So I’ve been talking about censoring on Instagram and TikTok and those places and how I’ve been working to move over to YouTube.
So just want to remind you yet again that joining, whether it’s me or any other sex educator, sex positive women out there, women’s empowerment coach. that you follow, be sure to get on their newsletter because it is just getting harder to get our work out there on the social media sites.
YouTube is a lot better because they have an explicit section that’s just for children, as it should be, and so there’s no reason to censor as deeply because you have a section that’s just for kids, but these other social media sites seem to to not understand this and so it’s a way, a tactic, that I find people can — especially more conservative-minded people — can target our accounts and report every little thing.
And so if you haven’t already, definitely get on the newsletter. Subscribe to me on YouTube. You can find my channel by simply searching @YaniqueBell and pretty easy to find. And also the link is in the show notes, in the description box. Thank you so much ahead of time. But yeah if you’re following anyone else who you notice, hmm I don’t really see their posts as much as I used to right definitely make sure you’re on their newsletter or you’re staying in contact with them through another medium because who knows how much longer our presence will be allowed on these apps and in these spaces. So let’s make sure that we are staying flexible and also consistent and determined and dedicated to our own liberation because we shall not be silenced. All right, so enjoy this episode. Let’s dive in.
Podcast
Why do we actually practice detachment?
11:48
Before we get into what detachment is and how to do it in a way that’s actually effective and not gaslighting yourself or others, before we get into that, I actually think it’s more useful to think about why we detach. Why do we want to detach and where does detaching come up as a tool in our spiritual practice and in our lives?
Notice where it is because it’s not always, right? It’s not something that we’ve reached for when we’re happy and joyful and just enjoying our lives and enjoying our time and feeling connected to Source. We’re not like, “Oh, now I would love to just detach,” right? When we’re in joy, when we’re feeling divinely connected, we’re not like, “Oh, let me, let me remove myself from this.” We often want to go deeper.
Detaching usually comes up when we’re experiencing something that feels like suffering, that feels like dis-ease, that feels like the opposite of joy, that we actually don’t want more of. And I think that’s a really important clue about how we can actually shift how we approach detachment.
I think the first places that I really heard about detachment was from the Buddhist tradition and it’s this concept that if we are to detach then we would experience less suffering. We would suffer less if we were able to remove ourselves or attach from outcomes, unattached from our desires, our wants, thoughts even. If we could just kind of observe them and not be attached to them, unattached from people, and this would ease our suffering. And in some ways it does work when we disconnect and there’s so many ways that we do that in our society that are healthy and unhealthy.
Scrolling through social media, binge watching TV, those are some of the unhealthy ways that we detach from our world, tuning out what we don’t want to hear. These are ways that we try to decrease the amount of suffering that we’re experiencing.
Detachment Can Inflame Anxiety & Addictive Tendencies
And you know, if your goal in life is simply not to suffer, maybe, maybe it’s really helpful to do that, but I find that detaching can often cause more suffering, especially for those of us who are experiencing anxious attachment, maybe we’re in a relationship that causes anxiety, or we’re just anxious in general. If you have a fear of abandonment, for example, detaching and removing yourself, you know, trying to or pretending to, can actually sometimes inflame our anxiety.
It can actually bring up and cause more suffering than relief. And then we can beat ourselves up about not being able to detach, not being able to turn those anxious thoughts off, not being able to switch off of that, you know, not being able to leave that person, leave that unhealthy relationship or leave that unhealthy habit, kick it to the curb. And this just creates… a spiral, right? We shame ourselves, we continue to focus on it, we go deeper and we don’t actually ever successfully detach.
Why I Don’t Think It’s Worth It to Try to Detach (at least not in the way you think)
15:22
Now, the reason why I wanted to start with looking at why we detach is because it’s gonna hold a key here. So I personally don’t like to teach detachment as unattaching from outcomes, unattaching from our desires, because I don’t actually think that’s worth anything. I don’t… this is my controversial opinion. I don’t think it’s actually useful for us to detach from our desires truly.
It’s not actually useful to lie to ourselves and tell ourselves that we don’t want what we want.
Now, if your desires have changed, sure, but I think it’s more useful to hold true to the essence of what you want, hold true to the essence of it. Now, this is different from the actual physical, however, it’s going to physically manifest.
How to Emotionally Detach From an Ex (and Energetically Align with a Better Match)
Let’s say you want to get over an ex and your desire is to have love.
That’s the essence of your desire — it’s I want to have healthy love, I want to have passion. love. I want to feel completely met and seen. I want my partner to to be present with me, I want to feel deeply cared and loved for and cherished. So that’s the essence of your desire.
Now how it has taken shape in the past… Let’s say is maybe your ex, someone that you’ve known in the past and you’re like Oh, but like it was kind of… I almost had it all with that person. And we can become very attached to that person but they’re not in our lives anymore. So we’re creating suffering within ourselves by hyper focusing on them and not focusing on the essence, the core of what we actually really want and so if we approach this dilemma of I really want this and I think I could get it through this, even though it’s not really showing up.
Maybe I could manipulate the situation or force the situation. I could keep showing up. Maybe I didn’t show up, you know, enough. I’m like trying to throw ideas out here.
And so we have this dilemma. We know what we want. We have the essence of what we want. Sometimes we don’t actually have this clarity. So you want to make sure you do this piece first. You want to get clear on the essence of what you want.
Trying Harder Doesn’t Make a Poor Relationship Better
And then you have what has physically manifested in the past. And you’re like, Okay, this is really close to it. It has a lot of the pieces, a lot of the flavors. I almost have what I want with this thing. And maybe if I work hard enough, if I try harder, if I communicated harder, if I went to more therapy… If I did, I could get this person to love me. I could get this person to show up the way that I want them to so they become a match to this.
And that doesn’t really work out because the person is no longer in our lives or the relationship dynamic has shifted so much that that’s just not feasible right now. And the more that we grind at it, the less likely we are to succeed in that. Now that doesn’t mean that this cannot become the essence, but it’s just, if we are to beat the drum and just try, try, try, try, try, try, right? Like how, you know, who has ever really gotten true love by working really hard for it? Is that really love?
And so we have this dilemma where we know the essence of what we really want, and we have something that maybe manifested in the past that was close to it, not exactly a match, but we think, Okay, if I maybe work really hard, I can get it to be a match. I can get it to fit with what I really, really want.
We focus on this past manifestation because it’s what feels the most real. And that can obviously leave us in the quasi-land, the in-between space of wanting to get our ex back, or not feeling completely, you know, closed and complete with that relationship, which can waste so much of our precious time, and actually just drain the energy, suck the energy out of our life. It actually depletes our creative energy when we are hyper focused on something in the past and thinking that we can’t have the essence of what we want through some other means.
This is What Drives the Desire to Detach
19:56
And so this is where we want to detach. We want to detach from the past or we want to detach from an outcome so that we can have more ease and we can more easily align with the essence and be in alignment with the essence of what we want.
We also want to detach because it’s too… painful to be attached to something that we can’t have, something that we knew in the past and can’t have right now. A relationship that just is not going to manifest because maybe feelings have changed, desires have changed, you guys are just not a match anymore.
And so detachment is often used as a tool to decrease suffering and end suffering entirely in the form of helping us to detach from something that we can’t have or detach from the expectation of something that we really, really, really want, right? But maybe that intense, strong desire is actually choking the energy around our desire and actually making it harder for it to manifest.
But what I think is really interesting about both of those, right? Wanting to detach from something that we want but can’t have or maybe something in the past. And wanting to detach from the really intense desire that is kind of choking the energy, the flow around a current desire.
The underlying desire underneath all of that is actually a desire to feel ease, peas, peas, peas. Yeah. Sorry. Okay, peace. It wasn’t coming out.
So what is underneath both of those is a desire to feel ease and peace and also to return to our center of potency.
So I find it really interesting that that is actually what’s underneath it is we want to end our our suffering We want to stop pining. We want to stop being obsessive about a goal and we want to feel in flow again. We want to feel at ease. We want to feel connected to the divine.
Detachment & the Spiritual Ego
But so often in the spiritual community what I hear instead is a lot of Mumbo jumbo, a lot of jibbaloo right right What I hear is is a lot of people talking about detachment as a, almost like a, “I have an extra gold star because I’m able to detach. I am not attached to the outcome.”
“I’m not attached.” Some are not even attached to current events, to reality, right? “I don’t tune into that. I don’t care for that.”
“I don’t care about that. Just let it go.” There’s almost this like being spiritually aloof and it’s going to give you the superior edge.
You’re spiritually superior when you can effectively detach. And we’re going to get into some of the ways that people who take this view of detachment actually use it in very inappropriate, abusive, and improper ways. Because again, the goal of detaching is not to be aloof. It’s not to pretend that we have no desires, that we’re just a soul floating through the universe. In fact, the goal of detaching, the original purpose of detaching is because we’re seeking a desire.
The Desire Underneath Detachment
What’s that desire? To be at ease, to be at peace, and to re-center in our core of potency. Did I phrase that correctly? To refocus, to find our center, to return to our center of potency. And why do we want to return to that space? Why is it so important? And we know this instinctively.
Why is it so important that we get back into that space where we’re at ease, we’re more open to being in flow? We’re not obsessing and trying really hard. Because it’s where we’re most potent.
It’s where our power lies. That’s where we can actually exact the change that we want. That’s where we can literally create. It’s from that place. And so when we’re running around like a chicken without head or being hyper obsessive. We’re gonna scare people away. We’re gonna scare away our desires.
Our energy is gonna be so off. And so the goal of detaching is to have ease, peace, and return to that spiritual center. It is not to be aloof. And not have any attachments, not have any desires, not have any wants, any needs. It’s not. That’s not the goal of detaching.
Why do we even employ detaching? Yes, it’s because we want to get back to that space of power, of ease, and feeling at peace. Because we’re rooted in this world. We’re rooted in this world. We know that we’re here in human bodies to experience. That means to experience the emotions, the pleasures, even the emotions that are not so pleasant. Anger, rage, sadness, grief. We’re here to experience it all. We’re here to create, to focus our energy and create what we desire.
We’re here to enjoy, to have bliss, to have pleasure. And so we’re detaching not to disconnect ourselves from others, the planet, animals. We’re detaching actually to go deeper into our connection with others, animals, the planet, our creations, our desires. We want to deepen our connection to it. And we are recognizing that obsessing about the past, obsessing about a future desire is actually not allowing that deeper connection.
This is a very Tantric philosophy and the belief is that the world is real. We’re not living in a simulation. This isn’t make believe land. We are real and you are worthy of experiencing bliss. You are deserving of experiencing bliss. You are worthy and deserving of experiencing worldly pleasures and this is a spiritual goal. The pursuit of pleasure is a spiritual goal.
And anyone who is detaching to end suffering, in my opinion, is pursuing pleasure. If you’re ending suffering, what are you moving towards? Pleasure. You’re moving towards worldly enjoyment, orgasmic living, being in flow, happiness, love, joy. You’re not detaching to not exist. This is a bone that I want to pick with every spiritual teacher. And so anyone who uses detachment, who weaponizes it against you To belittle, to negate, your feelings, to tell you what your feeling is not okay.
Oh my goodness. So we’re actually gonna get into this. We’re gonna talk about the ways that people manipulate, gaslight, and abuse using the concept of detachment so that you know to look out for it.
But anyone who is using detachment as a way to kind of prop themselves up and give themselves like spiritual, you know, all I’m thinking of is like a genie, like they’re floating on like a cloud… I am detached. Anyone who’s using this to be superior… Using detachment as a way to show that they are superior, that they can engage with you, especially romantically, that they can engage with you without being attached, and that’s the way to do it. No. Just no.
They are 100% attached to their own comfort, their own pleasure, and they’re probably using detachment as a way to avoid commitment, a way to avoid uncomfortable feelings that cause them suffering. They’re actually very much attached to the pleasure that they’re having and it’s not about being spiritually aloof.
What It Truly Means to Detach
28:18
All right, so we’re gonna get into that because it’s very, very important, something I want everyone listening to be aware of. But let’s go over what detachment is or at least how I teach it and how you can actually employ it. So,
Detachment is removing the anxiety, the angst, the suffering around our desire.
Yeah, that’s it. It’s the same thing.
But here’s the twist. I am not saying that you are detaching from the desire, right? So that’s really important. That’s a key difference. It’s not that you’re detaching from the desire. It’s that you’re releasing the anxiety, the suffering, the obsessiveness around the desire.
And for some people, this looks like being detached or unattached to the how. So how something is gonna come about. But actually, it doesn’t always have to look that way. You can have a clear idea of how something is gonna happen and how you would like it to happen — And that’s a key difference — and not be attached.
Not be anxiously attached to, you know, the outcome. You can be at ease, just be in flow. Like I have a sense of what’s coming next and I just have a sense that this is going to work out, like X, Y, and Z. Or I have a feeling that when I go to the bakery, they’re going to have that pastry that I really love.
So you kind of know how you’re going to get that sweet treat. It’s not detaching from the how completely, but it’s instead removing the anxiousness, the anxiety, the anxious feelings, the obsessiveness, the intensity that’s throwing us out of whack, and you can feel when you have like a pleasurable intensity and you’re just like excited versus “oh I don’t know if it’s really gonna happen” like versus jitters.
So you can feel the difference. At no point are you telling yourself that you don’t want what you want — that you don’t want love in your life that you don’t want money that you don’t want you know whatever it is that you have your eyes on even that you don’t want your ex. At no point are you saying oh I don’t want… I’m pretending like I don’t want it. I’m detaching from it. whatever.
Instead, you are going to find the core essence of your desire. You’re going to really clarify and get to the essence of what it is that you want. And that is where you’re gonna put your focus.
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How to Practice Detachment – What We’ve Covered So Far
31:38
All right, so from what we covered, you know that detachment is not some superior spiritual quest. It’s actually a very real and human desire to end suffering, to not suffer and to feel at ease. To experience pleasure. To feel centered in our spiritual power.
3 Ways People Misuse & Abuse Detachment in Relationships
32:02
When you encounter people who are using detachment in the context of it’s better not to be attached, not to be connected to others or situations or outcomes or the physical things of this world, you’ll find some very interesting and abusive tactics being used.
#1 – Using Detachment to Promote Future Faking and Avoid Relationship Clarity or Commitment
Misuse of “Detached Love”
32:19
So one of the ways that people misuse detachment is using it as a way to avoid relationship clarity or commitment. These are people that you’ll hear say things like, “I just want to go with the flow.” Or, “I don’t want you to be attached to me. Don’t get attached to me.” And they will make it seem as though being unattached is the best thing for the relationship.
It’s the best thing for your relationship container. It’s the best thing to actually help the relationship to thrive. Not giving you any clarity. It means that the relationship can go anywhere. They make it seem as though and it’s actually, you know, it’s so awful. It’s so awful because you’re hearing the same rhetoric being used in other contexts and saying, “Oh, if you want something to manifest or if you want something to happen, then don’t be so attached to it. Don’t be so intense about it.”
And so you’re hearing that and they know that you’re hearing that and they’re like, “You know, the best thing for us is if we don’t, we don’t really have a plan. We don’t really, you know, set our sights on anything. We just let what happens happen.” And this is a way that people use detachment to end suffering within themselves because they don’t want to broach that topic.
Creating Relationship Confusion Keeps You Under the Spell for Longer So They Can Continue to Use You
They’re not ready for commitment. They don’t want to go there with you, but they still want to continue to use you. They want to feed you enough shit. They want to feed you enough garbage to keep you there so that they can continue to enjoy you. And they will tell you that they’re detached, right? And yes, they are.
They’re not attached. And they want you to be as well so that you can really enjoy the experience of being used to the best of your ability because the only way you’re really, really going to enjoy the experience of being used and not suffer while being used is if you too detach and you detach from your desire for a relationship, for commitment, for love.
And it’s painted as this picture of this is going to help us to continue to journey together and grow closer. As I’m saying this, it’s probably very obvious to you. Okay, someone who is not wanting a relationship, who is not wanting to go deeper with me, how is it just gonna magically happen? That they’re gonna suddenly… like this relationship, this thing that we’re building, is gonna blossom into more if we haven’t even focused it in that direction.
We always create what we’re in alignment for. We always create what we’re in alignment with. Now we may not consciously be aware of what we’re in alignment with, but we always create what we are in alignment with.
And so someone telling you that they’re not willing to give you relationship clarity, they want to sleep with you, they want to have all the benefits of being with you, they want to take more than they give, and they want you to be not attached. Right? As I’m saying this, hopefully, we are hearing it, right? We’re like, okay, I got it now, right?
But I totally understand. I’ve been in this boat so many times where I have put myself… I’ve given myself this, this impossible task of being detached, thinking that it’s the best thing for my spiritual journey is to be detached. To not be committed to the outcome, and as a result, just get used. Years of life, years of dating life. And I wouldn’t say it’s wasted because I learned a great deal in the process. And I met some great people, even though I do not wish to be in relationship, any kind of relationship with them. You can still learn so much, but it’s still years of your dating life that goes to waste because you are buying into this boo boo the fool story.
Future Faking & False Promises to Keep You in the Trauma Bond
You’re letting someone play with your heart strings and oftentimes these people are often aware that you want commitment, you want relationship and that’s also why they’re telling you to detach so you don’t suffer during this ordeal that they’re putting you through. They are aware of your desires, the essence of what you want. And so they’ll give you little pieces of that.
They’ll tell you, “Oh, I do want a relationship. I do want, you know, I could see myself being with you. I can see myself marrying you.”
They’ll throw these words out there, but not actually, you know, match that with action. Their own energy is not matching that. The steps that they’re taking, the way they’re moving, is not matching that. It’s not lining up with that. And so that is someone that is misusing detachment. And using it to manipulate and gaslight. They’re using it to deny that they’re pulling you along, they’re threading you along, that they’ve been lying to you. And they’re just like, you just need to let go, not focus on where this is going, I just wanna go with the flow. Let those people go with the flow without you.
Because again, they actually are very, very, very attached to the essence of what they want in their life right now, that they have going on, which is easy hookups, easy sex. They want pleasure. They don’t want to think about how to commit. They don’t want to resolve any commitment fears or anything that they have going on. They don’t want to face that. They don’t want to peek under the hood and do the healing work that is necessary to build a healthy, long-lasting relationship. So they are actually very motivated by pleasure.
They’re very motivated by not taking a closer look at their own stuff.
They’re very much motivated by pleasure, but they’ll tell you, YOU need to not be. They’re very motivated by their own desires, but they’ll tell you that you need to not be motivated towards your own desires, which are for commitment and love and relationship, if that’s what you want.
Now obviously that is not for you if you’re not wanting a committed relationship right now. That’s just specifically for those of us who want a committed relationship and find ourselves being in these dynamics, where people are using our time and energy and even creating the space where they have us in these expectations that we’re exclusive so that we’re not actually able to go off and date other people. because there’s all these underlying, unspoken expectations that you guys are committed to each other when reality you’re not at all anywhere near that.
And so if at any time you feel afraid to talk about the direction of your relationship, you feel afraid to get clarity on the kind of relationship you’re in, RUN.
That is the sure sign that you’re in a dynamic that is not healthy. Maybe you yourself are ignoring your own desires, but you need to get some space and work on clarifying your desires, staying true to the essence of your desires, and dating in such a way that reflects that.
So, seeking out people who are not looking to be detached, but looking for people who are actually interested in being very healthily attached to you.
Not looking for “let’s go with the flow blah blah blah,” but they also have their own clarity on what they want and they’re like, Okay let’s see if we match up, let’s see if we can actually enjoy the flow of life and create together. Be at ease, be at peace with each other and create from our potent spiritual core. That is where the magic is.
So if you’re in any kind of dynamic that’s not looking like that, it’s time to either leave the dynamic or step away for a moment, get clear and date accordingly.
#2 – Using Detachment to Ignore Our Emotions, Abandon Our Desires & Discard Our Humanity
40:32
Okay, so another way that we misuse detachment is actually not coming from anyone outside of us, it’s actually coming from inside of us. We misuse detachment when we try to detach from our own emotions, feelings, and our desires and wants and our needs. By numbing out our desires, our wants, our feelings and our emotions. And this is really, it’s one of those things where we think by detaching, where we tell ourselves that if we detach, it’ll come to us. Things will resolve themselves and that is going about it almost backwards.
We’re actually skipping a whole bunch of steps ’cause it is good to practice removing the anxiety around our desires, our essence of what we want. It’s important. That step is important, but when we’re detaching just because it’s too painful so feel. When we’re detaching because it’s too painful to want what we want, when we’re telling ourselves, if I just don’t care about it, maybe it’ll just show up. Or you know, it’s just better if I don’t. I’ll get to that space where I feel at ease and at peace if I just pretend not to care, if I’m like the spiritual cool girl, right. If I get to that place maybe it’ll be better.
Are You Confusing Detachment with Numbing Out?
So oftentimes what happens is when we’re numbing out and we’re repressing our emotions and our wants, it becomes almost like you’ve put a, I want to say like a dam, but a very flimsy dam. It’s a dam that’s going to blow in like a year. Or a few months or whatever, right? The timeframe is going to be different for every desire, but when we kind of repress those emotions and feelings, they don’t go away.
Oftentimes they’re stored in the body. That numbness translates to numbness in the body or pain. It may manifest as tightness or tension and obviously that leads to other things that are very painful to go through, chronic illness and so forth.
And so by numbing and repressing, we actually don’t get to that space where we are at ease and at peace and able to be in flow with life. We actually create more suffering. We create more pain.
And so if your detachment technique is causing more pain long term, especially, then that’s a really big sign that you’re not doing it correctly. You’re not detaching. You’re actually numbing out and you’re repressing. And that’s not going to be healthy for us long term.
So you actually want to take that step of understanding what you’re feeling, feel your emotions, get clarity on what they’re telling you, what they’re indicating to you. Feel into your body, learn how to somatically interact with your emotions.
So, really powerful tools that I teach in PUSSY ACADEMY is how to actually feel and actually unlock where we have been repressing emotions and let those emotions flow so that we can gain wisdom from them. We can gain insight and know what they’re actually indicating.
Anger is a big one that we often repress and it’s, I think it’s one of the most powerful emotions. I mean, I think every emotion is powerful and has wisdom and insight for us. But I think anger is one of those emotions that is going to really uniquely focus you. It’s going to tell you where boundaries have been violated. Maybe you didn’t even set the boundaries to begin with. It’s going to really show you what you care about and what you want, right?
And so it’s one of the most charged feelings, especially for women, especially for black women who are afraid of being called the angry Black woman. And I spent so much of my life trying not to be the angry Black woman and you know people-pleasing and fawning and doing all the things so that I never got into the fight response. Not recognizing that that’s just a healthy step up right?
It’s actually… it’s just a step up to the next thing. Allowing yourself to feel your anger, to recognize when your boundaries have been violated, it’s going to give you very important information and allow you to move into that space where you’re not super anxious about outcomes or people or situations, you actually can be healthily detached with love, but you have to let yourself go through the emotional ladder and climb your way up to a place of ease and peace. It’s not going to happen by just ignoring your emotions and saying “I’m detached” and da -da -da. Right? Because we can say that we’re detached and energetically we’re not. And this can be one of the ways that we lie to ourselves and just… yeah, it’s not effective.
#3 – Using Detachment to Gaslight, Manipulate, and Avoid Accountability
45:26
Alright, so let’s cover one more way that detachment is often misused. And it is to gaslight and to manipulate a situation and not take ownership. To have someone question their reality, question what they experienced, question their memory, or also belittle what they’re experiencing to say, “Oh, what you’re experiencing never happened. Let’s just move on. You’re not forgiving. Just forgive and let go. Just move on. You need to let that go and using the idea of forgiveness, of letting go, of release, weaponizing it…” I just think this is so sinister sometimes.
This is often used by Narcissistic Personalities
It can be used in such a sinister way, especially if the party using this against you knows that you’re someone who is generally kind and well-meaning and wants to be compassionate, that takes your spiritual practice very seriously. But this is one of the ways that I find, especially in narcissistic personalities, or even people who are struggling with CPTSD and aren’t aware of their own stuff, they’re carrying a lot of stuff and they’re not aware of it. This is one of the tools that they often use is noticing where your values are, what you value, and using that. Weaponizing it against you.
So saying things like, “Oh, you should just move on. You should forgive. You should forget. You should let go. You need to detach from this essentially. Let it go, detach from the past, what happened.” Is a way of trying to get you to not hold them accountable. They’ll say, “I’ve let it go. I’ve let the situation go.” When they weren’t even the party that was harmed, where it’s like… okay, and?? 🤨 like you know… 🙄 and so it’s one of the ways that people use detachment, forgiveness, letting go, all these other things — these are tools that support detachment — to manipulate and gaslight and really just cause a lot of harm. And so this is something that you want to look out for.
Someone is trying to use detachment, trying to use forgiveness, letting go, releasing as a way to avoid accountability. A way to avoid taking ownership for harm that they’ve done to you or to others. That’s not true detachment. They are protecting their own feelings.
They’re protecting their own whatever they’ve got going on, right? Their own feelings, their own situation, whatever, you know, is wrapped up into this. They’re trying to protect themselves. This is not in your best interest.
Blind Forgiveness is Not What’s Needed Here. You Need to Go Through the Healing Process & Get Clarity
This does not mean that eventually you don’t want to get to a place where you do forgive this person, that you do detach from the harm that was done, and it’s not actually really detaching from the harm that is done. It’s really moving your focus onward. It’s really going through the experience so that you can focus on the future and what you want. It’s really moving through the healing journey, looking at the emotions that came up, looking at, Okay, maybe where were boundaries violated? Where do I need to set new boundaries? Not just with others but with myself? What did I allow in this dynamic that is not gonna happen again? What did I say YES to? How did I actually make room for this to happen?
And of course not everything is like that. Not everything is a clear like “Oh, I can see how I caused it” or anything like that. Sometimes we just have an unlucky experience in love.
You can watch all the videos on narcissism, manipulative dynamics, and still fall victim to these things. But it’s really reaping the benefits of the healing journey where you’re milking the situation. Understanding what happened for you, and being able to move forward from a place of true wisdom. It’s NOT: “Oh, I’m never gonna look closer at this. I’m not gonna hold that person accountable. I’m just gonna let them back into my life to do whatever they want.” No, no, no, no, no. Don’t do that. Don’t do that.
If someone has caused you harm and they’re refusing to take accountability, that is someone who you can’t really have a healthy relationship with.
Their side of the fence is never truly examined. If they are always shifting blame back onto you, that’s not a true relationship, right? That’s not someone who is really having your best interest at heart.
And so if someone is using detachment in that way, again, RUN.
I’m being a little cheeky with the RUN, but yeah. You want to make sure that you set some healthy boundaries with that. So those are just three ways that we often misuse and abuse detachment in a relationship with ourselves and others.
How to Practice Detachment with Love without Engaging the Ego Mind
My Coaching Approach
50:26
So detachment is actually not really how I like to frame it. When I’m trying to help clients, members of PUSSY ACADEMY get into that space of ease, peace, and joy. To be back in that space where we’re not feeling anxious about our desires, but we’re feeling at ease with our desires, really trusting in that really potent space in our spiritual core.
What I like to teach instead is not to detach, not to tell ourselves not to think about something, not to want something, not to want a person, not to want our ex even.
Whenever we take that route of just like trying to white-knuckle it and force ourselves not to want something, we tend to want it more. We emphasize our focus on it. We actually build momentum in the wrong direction.
And that’s because our brains don’t hear the word “no.” When we’re like, “I don’t want to eat fast food, I don’t want to eat processed food. I don’t want to eat chocolate. I don’t want to eat sweets. I don’t want to get back with my ex.” All your brain hears is your ex, chocolate, processed foods. All the things. It hears the subject part. It doesn’t hear the “no.” It hears I DO want to get back with my ex. I DO want to eat chocolate. I DO want to eat processed foods. Right?
This is a little NLP hack, actually. Neurolinguistic programming. It’s a way to speak to our brain in a way that our brain actually understands. Don’t use the word “no.”
Now sometimes you can, sometimes the energy is very clear, but oftentimes when you use the word “no,” our brain just focus on the subject of whatever that thought is, and will continue to focus on the subject of whatever that thought is.
So the ego mind simply cannot detach. It cannot focus on something and not be focused on it. You cannot say I don’t want to get back with my ex and not be focused on your ex. I don’t want to think about chocolate and not be focused on chocolate. You’re going to focus on the subject of whatever it is that you are thinking.
So instead what’s more effective, what I like to use with clients is actually just focusing. Getting clear on what it is that you want, getting clear of the essence of what you want, and then focusing purely on that.
Actually bringing our focus there. I don’t even like to say shift your focus or refocusing because I notice even with myself, whenever I tell myself, oh, I’m going to shift focus, I’m going to change gears — Anything that suggests that I have to make a change, my mind starts to focus on what it is I’m changing from. That actually brings me back to the old energy, the thing that I don’t want.
Ready to Master Your Potency? Join PUSSY ACADEMY
So I find what is actually more empowering, more potent is actually getting clear on the essence of what you want, take the time to do that, come into PUSSY ACADEMY if you have no idea where to start… you don’t even know how to access your desires ’cause you’ve suppressed them, you told yourself to detach for so long that you’ve shoved them down. You don’t even know how to feel your emotions. They scare you. They produce pain. You don’t want to face it. You’ve been using detachment in all the wrong ways, all the ways that we covered. You’ve been misusing detachment so you don’t actually have that clarity about the essence of what you really want. Come into PUSSY ACADEMY. I’ll help you with that.
And so that’s what I find to be most effective. It’s not trying to force ourselves to detach and not care and not have our human experience. It’s actually learning to focus, getting really clear on what we want and focusing our direction there.
Remember we employ detachment because we actually want to feel pleasure. We want to feel good. We employ detachment because we want to feel pleasure. We want to end suffering and we want to move towards what feels good.
And so what makes more sense? Focusing on ending the suffering, focusing on the suffering, the thing causing us suffering OR moving towards what feels good? Just moving towards what feels good. Getting clear on what we would want to experience, focusing on it and feeling our way there.
So if you enjoy this approach to detachment, if you’re curious and you want to learn more, you want to go deeper, then come into PUSSY ACADEMY.
PUSSY ACADEMY is your place to become your most orgasmic and potent self. You’ll learn how to heal core wounds rather than avoiding them and saying that you’re detaching. You’ll learn how to actually sit with your emotions in a very empowered way, learn how to investigate what you’re feeling, and hold yourself through the healing process. You’ll receive coaching almost weekly from me and you’ll also learn how to increase your pleasure capacity in your body but also energetically so that you can attract and be in alignment with what it is that you really want, the essence of what you really want.
To start your PUSSY ACADEMY journey, all you have to do is click the link: Get a free 25-minute Pussy Decoder session with me (no longer available – Book a Consultation instead). And that’s how we will assess if you’re a good fit for PUSSY ACADEMY because this journey is really specifically for a unique group of wild-hearted, pussy-positive women.
Closing Remarks & Announcements
55:57
So I almost named this episode “Detachment one on one.” One on One. Oh my gosh. Do you ever have a Freudian slip and you’re like, what’s that about? Well, if you do want to talk to me one -on -one, again, get that free consultation, the Pussy Decoder session (no longer available – Book a Consultation instead).
It’s available up on the site, yaniquebell.com/pussyacademy. Anyways, link is here.
This is not what I wanted to say 🤭 I almost named this episode “Detachment 1-on-1.” Oh my god, 101. 101. Brain, hold it together.
I don’t know if anyone else has been having the weirdest week. I know there’s a full moon tonight and God, what a wonky week I’m having. Just trying to iron it out. Just trying to take the bounce, hone in on my focus, and keep it moving per usual. But yeah, this episode is, it’s major. There’s a lot here that I wish I had known sooner, so hopefully this was tremendously helpful.
Please do comment wherever you’re listening. I’ll probably leave a poll question in Spotify. But if you’re listening over on YouTube, leave a comment. If you’re on the site, leave a comment. Ask any questions you may still have pertaining to detachment. There is still so much more to explore and learn about this because it really, it really is kind of the secret to everything.
So I do go deeper into this topic within PUSSY ACADEMY. So come and join us if you’d like to learn more because it’s actually not something that you do hint hint while being the human ego mind. You actually have to tap into a whole different state of being to effectively detach and that’s just my *wink wink wink* to you. I’m not going to give it away. 😉
Come on into PUSSY ACADEMY, if you want to learn all the secrets. But okay. Are there any other announcements… Did I mention the live masterclass? I don’t remember now.
Well, I do have a live masterclass: Mastering the Womanly Arts. It’s coming up this Saturday on the 27th at 10 AM ET. Eastern time. Sign up at yaniquebell.com/freemasterclass. And yeah, I love you. Thank you for listening.
I hope to see you in one of the beautiful spaces that I hold. If you’re not in the newsletter… my brain is like “I’m over this, let’s get on with editing.” (laughing) oh my god. Okay. I’ll be completely honest I’ve been editing this specific episode it feels like for forever. If you watch it on YouTube, I like tried to do different things with the framing of the video and try to pull you in so you keep watching. I’m like watching all these how to make your YouTube channel successful videos and trying to incorporate everything and I don’t know why it sounds silly to say… (laughing) Okay. I’m learning a lot. I’m trying my best. Oh man. Anyway, I don’t know. Now I’m like looking back and like seeing myself from a bird’s eye point of view. “Wow. Wow, she’s really good.” (Laughing) Oh god. Okay, let’s keep it together. Thank you for making it to the end of this episode.
Subscribe to the YouTube channel. I have a wonderful upcoming list of videos and stuff that will be released for February. It’s all about love, the month of love. 🥰 And we’re gonna dive into self-love, self-care, but also — (laughs) sorry, I’m still thinking about — okay, focus, and also we’ll be diving into trauma healing, as it is Black History Month as well, and loving ourselves to freedom, loving ourselves free. So that’s a big thing. I’m looking forward to it.
If you want to stay in touch and up to date with everything that’s coming up in February and beyond, definitely subscribe to the newsletter:
I hope to see you in either the Live Masterclass or in PUSSY ACADEMY. Okay, I think that’s all. See you soon. Thanks for listening! This was slightly weird, and I hope you enjoyed it. (upbeat music)
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This has been Episode 111 of the Woman Gone Wild Podcast – How to Practice Detachment for Positive Outcomes in Love & Life ❤️ Remember to subscribe and leave a loving review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts.
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