Sexual shame erodes our sense of self and becomes a deterrent to true connection. The very nature of shame asks us to hide away and erase the shamed self. When we hold this kind of toxic shame, we hide from ourselves to the point that not only does our true self remain hidden from the outside world, but she remains a mystery to ourselves as well. Healing shame is a return to self. It’s a brave act of love that shatters the barriers we’ve put in place that prevent true intimacy with ourselves and others. Here’s how to heal heal sexual shame:

#1 – Be gentle and curious (don’t shame or judge yourself for having shame)

When we embark on the journey of healing our sexual shame, we begin to wake up from the distorted trance that says our bodies and sexuality are wrong, evil, or impure. In this moment of clarity, we sometimes feel retrospective shame for the past version of ourself that fell victim to such a distorted view of sex, which we now see as a natural and sacred process. We feel shame for condemning our sexual expression and the ways in which we condemned it in others as well.

In these moments, I invite you to remember this: Shame is an emotional reaction to a perceived threat in our environment, not a logical conclusion drawn from a sterile assessment of the risks and benefits.

Shame is visceral. The human body is so designed for connection that we would sooner cut off an appendage, rather than do or be something that may lead to our isolation. While this metaphor may sound exaggerated, consider the lived experience of harboring shame:

There is this nebulous feeling that something is missing, but we’re not sure what. We can feel that our connection to our vitality is in part or wholly restricted, but the shamed self has become so obscure our mind is unable to bridge the gap and recognize that the loss of this part of us is the cause of the discomfort. It’s only in healing and re-integrating the previously shamed self back into the Whole of who we are that we go “ahh, that’s what was missing…”

So, yes, it is often felt very literally as a lost appendage.

However, healing is not about simply drilling in new sex-positive ideas and media – though this can help tremendously! Knowing our sexuality is beautiful (and that shame is maladaptive anyways, so there’s no real lasting benefit to keeping it active when we don’t need to), isn’t actually enough to heal the shame.

Rather than trying to robotically drill in new sex-positive ideas, be gentle and curious with your shame. 

Imagine you could sit next to your shamed self and ask her questions like, “What do you need in order to feel safe enough to express in this moment?” “In what ways, are you feeling unloved, unwanted, or unacceptable?” “How can I be a place of love for you?”

When working with the wounded aspects of ourselves, gentleness, patience, and compassion are powerful healers.  They help to bridge the chasm of disconnection and bring these aspects of self back into the heart of love. 

Remember, shame is motivated by connection. It’s stifling the expression of the shamed self in hopes that you will stay connected to your tribe. If you can demonstrate to your shamed self that she can express AND still remain connected to love, then healing is able to take place.

But what do we do when we are dealing with a combination of shame AND justifiable guilt or a severely toxic belief system that prevents self-love from blossoming?

That brings us to tip #2:

#2 – If self-love is not accessible, practice loving compassion to others, the planet, and/or animals.

Sometimes our shame, guilt, and flawed belief in our brokenness runs so deep that self-love is seemingly impossible. When this is the case, feel for the love that is available to you, like the love you have for a cherished pet, friend, or family member.

The more you practice the vibration of love for people, places, things, and creatures outside of yourself, thoughts of love for yourself will naturally flow.

***THIS IS NOT THE PRACTICE YOU THINK IT IS***

The goal of this practice is NOT to practice loving others, then get discouraged when you can’t source the same level of love for yourself.

Don’t try to force feelings of self-love. With this method, you’re not working to love yourself, you’re practicing being a loving person.

Once this becomes a practiced vibration and way of viewing the world, you’ll find yourself thinking loving thoughts about yourself without even trying to. This sounds counter-intuitive because much of the healing space and our global workforce is action based. We think we have to “work on ourselves.” We think we have to DO something for this shift to happen.

This leads to us trying to force self-love (which is kinda just another expression of the shame, no?), instead of being the loving space where self-love natural blooms.

So, rather than forcing self-love and “working hard on yourself,” allow the change to happen naturally and indirectly. Look for things to love and appreciate in your world that are EASY to love and appreciate and this will train your mind to begin to do this on auto-pilot with everything else.

Soon, everywhere you look, including in the mirror, your brain will be wired to find something to love.

Here are some prompts and questions to ponder that invite a loving view of your world:

1. What do I appreciate about my close friends?
2. I really really like when I see this in < insert your favorite place. i.e. nature, the city, downtown, etc >
3. What am I loving about this day?
4. I really appreciate how well this person completes this task…
5. This person/animal/place is so easy to love. Here’s what I love about them:
6. What do I admire in this person/place/thing?

#3 – Create spaces where you can explore your body and sensuality without any pressure to perform or be “sexual.”

Remove the pressure and explore your body and sensuality for the sake of getting to know yourself. If masturbation triggers shame, consider a softer, more sensual practice: like a breast massage or full body massage.

If sensuality is still too triggering, consider a more functional practice, like pelvic tilts with the yoni egg or pelvic floor articulation exercises to strengthen the pelvic floor (you can find those here).

These practices offer a bridge for connecting with your body and pussy, without feeling the need to confront the shame or underlying fear.

Then, slowly, with each practice, you’ll notice a gentle shift happening. Perhaps, as you’re doing a breast massage, you feel led to put on some music and dance or circle your hips. One practice leads to another opening of expression and bit by bit, you’ll feel safe to explore more and more.

But again, don’t force it. Trust the unfolding. Simply, start where you are, with the shame, fear, and resistance you currently have, not needing to change them overnight and knowing that these feelings are valid and fair.

Then, take the next right step for you. No step is too small. It all helps you to move forward into a more sensually alive and vibrant you.

If you would like fully guided sensual practices for all stages of your healing journey, from guided breast massages and pelvic floor toning exercises to sacred sex practices, explore my Vaginal Rejuvenation program.

Here’s what Vaginal Rejuvenation member, Danya N, had to say about her journey through shame and reconnecting to her “Miracle Garden”:

“I have felt completely held. I don’t feel the pressure of having to feel something or experience something. The space I go into when I put play on the audio practices are completely new each time, as my body’s awareness is also ever-evolving. It’s the first time after years that I feel safe to practice self-pleasure and explore.

I have made it a monthly practice, at least, caressing my breasts, breathing through my vagina, working with the Yoni Egg and listening to how I’m feeling. I have written on the prompts and also have noticed how creativity flows more easily when I have these practices. 

Oftentimes I find myself being a witness of shame, when it rises, and being a container to be present and not making myself wrong for it. I have come to call my pussy Miracle Garden.”

Get Started with a Free Pelvic Floor Class and Mini-Practice:

#4 – Allow the shift in your worldview to naturally arise from within.

As you begin to heal your sexual shame, you’ll notice that some of the old thoughts and beliefs you had about the world and sex no longer fit with your newly expanding perspective. Rather than attaching to views on sex and sexuality that you see in the outside world, take this moment to get quiet and observe:

• What deep knowing is arising from within about sex and sexuality for me?
• What do I sense to be true right now?

Doing this regularly throughout your healing journey, builds your self-trust muscle and reminds us of this beautiful truth: We are all actively and continuously constructing how we relate to sex, sexuality, and just about everything we take in with our senses.

While there’s nothing wrong with going along with or being inspired by what other people say on the subject and how they express their sexuality, we want to remember that we are the ones who get to decide what perspectives live within our bodies and help to shape our inner world.

***This doesn’t mean you need to reject the perspectives and approaches that don’t feel right for you. Rather, acknowledge that there is no right or wrong way to do it and every perspective serves each individual differently.

This may even inspire a healing experience for you, where you can begin to offer forgiveness and understanding to your past self who internalized shame, rather than grounding into self-love. i.e. That was the best you could do at that time and choosing shame over self-love had it’s pros and cons. In some ways, the shame was a necessary precursor to your growth and expansion.

Likewise, we are all assessing and re-assessing our ever-changing desires around our sexuality and expression. In some seasons, we want to be more vocal, visible, and seen as our authentic self. In others, we want to explore in private and save all that radiance just for ourselves and intimate partner(s) 😉

Rather than seeking the perfect end-all, be-all hot take on sexuality and expression, simply feel for what is naturally shifting in your worldview currently. What personal truth is now emerging within you?

Currently for me that shift is: “It’s all beautiful. It’s alright. We are all here for the journey and adventure of discovery and rediscovery.”

But when I first started my sexual healing journey in my early 20s as a previously devout Christian it was: “God is love. Pussy is sacred. And I want to share that message with the world.”

If your sexual shame arises from your religious background as well, then my final tip may help as well…

#5 – Invite the sacred into your sensual practice.

When I decided to peel back the layers of my religious faith and get to the core of what I know for sure, all that was left was: God is real and God is love.

All I really knew was that there was something larger that I felt a connection to and that it was a loving presence not a menacing, cruel, condemning presence. This means, all those years I’d spent masturbating and imagining God chastising me afterwards were based on a false premise.

As I began to invite the sacred into my sensual practice in my 20s, geez was I shocked to find out — I was right! All that I felt from God/Goddess/Source was complete and resounding love and acceptance for every single aspect of me, including my sexuality.

Even if you don’t come from a religious background, the condemning, Puritan gaze can be found just about everywhere, from diet culture to the sustainability movement. Which leads us to the unsavory aspect about shame that we often can’t see when we’re caught in the midst of hating ourselves: Shame is used by manipulative systems and people to create power imbalances and control their victims.

(Queue big corporations shaming your plastic use as they mass produce said plastic.)

In other words, you are easily manipulated when you feel shame.

An institution doesn’t have to work hard to keep you in line once they’ve created the environment and belief systems where shame can thrive. The shame will do the work for them.

Because again, we’d sooner cut off our own appendage than deal with the fear and threat of isolation or loss of love. Sometimes this fear is valid. We don’t all have the privilege of living in places where we can, for the most part, safely express without repercussions.

But we can remove the threat of spiritual ramifications which, you guessed it, is another form of isolation. Your connection to your higher power is just as healing as your connection to a friend, therapist, or community.

Rather than blindly believing that sex or masturbation disconnects you from your higher power, do an experiment and find out for yourself:

1. Connect to Source in a way that feels good to you (i.e. prayer, meditation, yoga, etc)
2. While staying connected, begin a sensual practice (like any of the Primer Practices from Module 3 of the Vaginal Rejuvenation program)
3. As you do your sensual breathwork or massage, check in with your higher power. Do you still feel love radiating from Source?
4. Continue to sensually explore, while staying connected to Source.
5. Reflect: What did you notice? What did you feel?

What I’ve learned from my own spiritual practice, not just when it comes to pleasure, but with every task I do: the only time I feel disconnected from Source is when I disconnect and tune to fear or start to think I’m disconnected. Personally, I find that my connection to Source is always open and available and love is the only thing that ever flows from this connection.

More than anything, your shamed self is asking, “Am I lovable? Do YOU love me?” 🥺 and just as in our other relationships, how we approach our shame conveys that love more than any flowery words or logical explanation we could give it in attempts to force it out of our system.

Be gentle. Be curious.

Practice being loving and loving you will naturally become easier.

Cultivate spaces to explore your sensuality without pressure.

Trust your own inner truths about your sexuality.

And go directly to your Source for the answers (and love) you seek.

Your shamed self is craving love, connection, and understanding ❤️ (but it doesn’t have to all come through you 😉)

✨ Want more tools to soothe away shame? 

Learn how to heal sexual shame and restore your connection to your radiant sensuality in my 6-week program, Vaginal Rejuvenation >>>