How to Orgasm When You Can’t: A Comprehensive Guide to Healing Anorgasmia Naturally

Sensual artwork by Tina Maria Elena. Text overlay reads, "Healing Anorgasmia"

Anorgasmia — difficulty achieving orgasm — is a sexual disorder that affects many women worldwide. You may be struggling when trying to reach climax solo, with a partner, or both. While anorgasmia is widely common, it doesn’t have to remain your normal. With the right tools, you can heal anorgasmia, expand your sensitivity to pleasure, and unlock reliable and frequent orgasms. If you’re struggling with your orgasm and wondering what to do, it starts with this: shifting the way you approach climax.

[This article draws from may previous writing on other platforms: “What to Do When Your Orgasm Just Won’t Come” and “Stop saying this to women who are struggling with their orgasm.”]

Healing Anorgasmia Starts With Dismantling the Patriarchal Wish for the “Lesser Sex”

Historically, women have been portrayed as the lesser sex… and less sexual, by nature. If a woman was even remotely sexual, she was seen as dysfunctional. Once her sexual abnormality was discovered, she was met by an onslaught of name-calling designed to shame her back into a compliant state of diminished sexual desire and function. The story of women being less sexual than men was and remains wishful thinking on the part of the patriarchy. It’s easier to stay in control if you convince the other party they have nothing to control.

I personally came of age in a time where it was still predominantly thought that women just weren’t as into sex as men were. Low sexual desire was simply an expected feature women were supposed to have. This is often accompanied by a belief that women need men to “sexually awaken them.” Especially since women, with their under-functioning sex organs, surely couldn’t do it themselves. The very nature of their sex meant they needed to be filled and were empty without that precious phallic piece. This wasn’t simply a cute story told by patriarchal society. Women internalized it. Believed it. And repeated it.

Even though it was just a story, it became a reality. As we brought this tale into our psyche, our bodies began to listen to it, react to it, and act it out.

This story told about women informed how we researched and continue to invest in the scientific study of female sexuality and reproduction. Early scientists found evidence to back these assumptions about female sexuality. Intertwined within this tale of low sexual desire bloomed a story of low sexual performance. It became standard to classify the female orgasm as “elusive” and “too complicated.” As women, we internalized this and believed that we shouldn’t take up too much time in the bedroom. Expecting that we would always be sexually satisfied meant combatting everything we had absorbed about our bodies and its drives.

Still today, even when we have the most generous of partners, we can peeve at the thought of them having to solve our “complicated” sex. We begin to really believe our pussy is foreign and strange. We begin to repeat that our orgasm is hard to come by, if not, non-existent. Soon, our anorgasmia becomes medicalized, before it’s really understood…

And just like that, out of this story, came a line that irks me to no end: “Some women just can’t orgasm.”

“Some women just can’t orgasm.” Is this true?

Personally, I remember the first time I read these words. I was in my early 20s and was sexually active for the first time. While I’d had many orgasms, shamefully stroking my clit as a young girl, I was struggling to orgasm whenever I was with a partner. By this time, I had done a lot of work to heal my sexual shame and body image. I was proud of my eagerness to have sex with the lights on — thank you very much — and celebrated how far I’d come in appreciating my thick thighs, comparatively flat ass, and soft belly. 

I was in the process of reclaiming a part of myself I never felt allowed to own: my pussy. But while self-love was growing, I felt stuck in this one area… I couldn’t get my body to orgasm with a partner.

“Some women just can’t.” Like most of us when we feel confounded by our own bodies, I took to Google and asked, hey, what gives? “Some women just can’t.” I skimmed through the search results and found a popular sex-ed organization I trusted. “Some women just can’t.” I read the words and felt a pit form in my stomach. I could’ve thrown up… “Some women just can’t.”

When I first read those words, I believed it, point blank, no explanation needed. There was no real science to back up such a claim. Like many women, I was just used to hearing a horrible fact about the female body and immediately assuming it was true. I mean, how often do we do that? We find someone with an ounce of credibility and we just let whatever they say rule our lives forever… 

As I sat with those words that day I felt defeated and sick. I couldn’t believe that this could be permanent and there was nothing I could do about it. There was a chance, I was just one of those women who weren’t that orgasmic and just couldn’t make it happen with a partner… because “some women just can’t.”

But then, I remembered…

Like I said, I had nerded-out pretty hard during my sexual debut. I studied pre-med at Princeton University and while I opted out of the medical school route, because I felt my soul was calling me to a more mysterious path that hadn’t quite come into focus just yet, I still had a deep passion for the human body and how it worked. Plus, like most women, no one had really taught me about my sexual anatomy and all it could do. By this time, I had read science-based articles and books on women’s pleasure, but also many books by liberated women who shared their journey of sexual discovery and awakening.

In one of these spicy books, I read about a woman who had trained her body in such a way that she could maintain an orgasm for hours, riding peak after peak from the slightest touch… I remember staring at that page in the book fixated, like Medusa herself had charmed me. I didn’t know how that could be possible, but something deep within told me, “All women can.”

With the right training, all women can.

So, I put aside my fears and feelings of brokenness and got to learning. It took some serious practice and a patient partner, but I indeed expanded my capacity to orgasm. I mean truly expanddeeeddd. I’ve experienced orgasms that don’t even make sense, like throat and breast orgasms. And, my own record to date? 45 mins. 

I’ve learned that female sexuality is about way more than what meets the eye. It’s not just about how you touch yourself — or even at all about how you touch yourself. It’s not about where you’re stimulating yourself. It’s not about the kind of vibrator or toy you’re using. It’s not about your partner’s endowment. It’s not about getting your partner to touch your clit in the exact right way. 

Pussy is intrinsic to consciousness itself. As you heal and open up to life, so your pleasure expands. This is the most extraordinary opening any woman can experience. That desire to be cracked wide open that you have? It’s not going to be fulfilled by your partner. It’s gotta come from within you. A surrendering to a depth of feeling, the tumultuous flow of energy and power, you’ve locked away out of shame.

So, stop telling women “some women just can’t.” 

Start urging them to reconnect with their pussy. 

Start letting them know it’s safe to do so, that they’ll still be loved when they do. 

Start telling them you support their sexual thriving. Start telling them you want them to feel as free and honored as they were meant to be. 

And if you’re a woman reading this? Start telling it to yourself. Start being a safe space for your own sexual pleasure. 

Orgasming is a Learned Skill. Not an Innate Biological Feature. 

I now teach women how to become wildly orgasmic, from pussy to crown. Since becoming a Certified Intimacy Coach and donning myself “The Pussy Queen,” I’ve heard many renditions of “some women just can’t.” Often coming from well-meaning women who have accepted this fate and who want others to know they’re not alone. They typically share the same gut-wrenching findings from their own Google search. Like earnest bees going from flower to flower, letting other women know they just won’t bloom in that way. By the time I reach them, the belief in their anorgasmic future has already taken root and they don’t feel it’s worth it to even try anymore. So, they leave a comment on my posts instead, sometimes adding some sweetness to placate the wave of absolute misery they leave in their wake.

I’m not angry with these women. I’m angry with the society that has neglected and abused women to the point that they just accept this without much pushback. I’m angry at a health care industry that’s too focused on pushing drugs and interventions than offering true care and knowledge to frustrated women. 

I hope I’m reaching you in time, Sweet Goddess, because my goodness, the human body is incredible…

Before you give up on your orgasm, here’s what I think you should know:

How Do Orgasms Happen? 3 Steps to Unlock Your Orgasm Now

There are 3 main components to every orgasm:

In order to unlock your orgasm, you’ll need to identify which of these ingredients are missing. Is it that you feel mentally occupied or self-conscious during sex with your partner and, as a result, never really allow “the shift” when with them, but find it easy to let go and enjoy yourself when alone? Is it that you just don’t feel much when you try to stimulate your clitoris or vagina and so you just don’t have much pleasure to work with? Are you being racked with toxic shame, making it difficult to enjoy sex and follow your orgasmic impulses during sex?

Your body is often telling you exactly where your orgasm is being blocked. You just need to know the right place to look:

Orgasms are About More Than Just Physical Stimulation

Popular sex advice focuses on finding the right position and stimulating your clit, but this isn’t helpful for every woman. Some women don’t like direct stimulation of their clit. Or, they need it done in a very specific way that partners can’t always replicate. Some people have mobility limitations or just don’t want to bend themselves out of shape every time. While easy to illustrate in a trendy online magazine, this kind of sex advice is limiting.

It also doesn’t take into account the full depth of emotion and feeling that you have the potential of experiencing during orgasm.

The secret to becoming wildly orgasmic is engaging your full being: pussy, heart, and soul. You’ve probably heard this said before, but your biggest sex organ is your brain — and I would add your heart! So, your pleasure block is likely mental, emotional, or psychospiritual, not just physical (unless you’re taking medication that significantly diminishes your ability to feel – and even then, send me an email, I may have some solutions for you).

Many women who struggle with their orgasm also struggle with shame about not being able to orgasm or faking their orgasm. They can also struggle with codependency, people-pleasing tendencies, or CPTSD symptoms that keep them focused outside of their body on what their partner is feeling, instead of present with their own sensations. This contributes to a diminished sensitivity to pleasure and an inability to climax. If you’re struggling with this, along with accessing trauma-informed coaching or therapy, you’ll need to de-center men and the patriarchy as well:

To unlock your orgasm, you’ll need to cultivate an internal environment and atmosphere within your relationship that allows you to take on the playfulness and curiosity of a beginner (yes, even if this is your 100th time trying).

Orgasming is a Momentum Game

In the 1900s, when scientists were just beginning to research pleasure and sex, it was common to think of female sexuality as just “male sexuality lite.” Remnants of this thinking still remain today; however, male and female sexuality are not equal. As Emily Nagoski, author of the well-acclaimed and ground-breaking book Come as You Are, would put it, we all have the same parts… just arranged differently, resulting in a different experience.

In order to unlock your orgasm, you’ll have to exit the male sexual lens and explore your pussy anew, honoring the time it takes you to build up to orgasm and resisting the urge to give up or fake it because you’re getting time-shy and don’t want to take up too much attention. Give your body the time it needs to get there. This is especially true when playing with new partners or when you’re experiencing conflict in your relationship, because the pussy-heart connection runs deep. Each of us experiences it differently, but generally if the heart is unsure or shut down, pussy is likely to shut down as well.

For this reason, if you’re a trauma survivor, especially if you’ve experienced narcissistic abuse, it’s important to take things slow and build a strong relationship and foundation of trust first, before becoming sexually intimate. It may be your relationship, not your pussy, that is blocking your pleasure. Your body may be indicating that something doesn’t feel right on a heart-level. (If you’re already sexually intimate and need help parsing out what’s going on, Book a Consultation Today or get in touch via email.)

You Can Increase Your Pleasure Sensitivity!

The “some women can’t” rhetoric is often followed by a belief that we should accept vaginal numbness and low pleasure sensitivity in our pussies. We’ve come to think of orgasm as an innate trait, like your natural gait when walking or eye color.

It. Is. Not.

This frustrates me to no end.

Orgasms are a learned skill, similar to throwing a ball or walking. Sure, your biology will inform your natural tendencies when it comes to how you throw said ball or where you rest your weight when walking, but you can train your body to throw or walk differently if it was important to you. And my guess is, if you’re roughly 2,000 words into this article, which by the way you are, then orgasming is pretty important to you.

So, why not take the time to train, so you can orgasm in the ways you’d like?

Nowadays when I hear “some woman can’t,” I equate it to when I hear non-disabled people say “I can’t run.” You may not know how to run efficiently and comfortably, but um… your body could totally run! If you feel little to no pleasure during intercourse, you can improve your sensitivity so that you feel pleasure more intensely and in more places. It’s all about training your mental focus (and employing other tools like your breath and voice).

Don’t worry, you don’t have to figure it all out by yourself. No one should have to. I certainly did not.

I’ll show you the ropes and so much more.

After over 8 years of researching, experimenting, healing, teaching and coaching, I’m consolidating all my orgasmic knowledge into one hub where you’ll receive everything you need to sexually thrive and live orgasmically.

Preview of Pussy Academy on a tablet displaying courses in the library

PUSSY ACADEMY is my school for orgasmic mastery and feminine mysticism, which includes a library of programs and live classes to expand your orgasm (or orgasm for the first time!). It’s like Netflix for your pussy 💋

While sexual dysfunction has historically been expected for women, it doesn’t have to be your lived reality now. You don’t have to accept this. You can learn to orgasm consistently and in new ways.

And my guess is you’re really gonna love Orgasm with Ease, one of the new programs in PUSSY ACADEMY (new courses and programs are added to the Program Library each season!). I’ll be teaching you how to use breath, sound, energy, and movement to enter a trance-like state that allows your orgasm to effortlessly bubble up to the surface (finally!), so you can stop worrying about your orgasm during sex and finally let go and enjoy the ride. In PUSSY ACADEMY, you’ll get access to Orgasm with Ease, plus 100+ guided practices and live classes to help you actualize your highest potential in love, life, and pleasure. Doors open just a few times each year. Enrollment has begun… Come join us »

And please, for the love of all things gloriously women, STOP TELLING WOMEN THEY JUST CAN’T ORGASM. Stop saying it to yourself too. Or I’ll put a spell on you and haunt you in your sleep. Ok, jk, I’m witchy but not that witchy lol but seriously. Cut it out. 

See you in PUSSY ACADEMY 💋 

Did this bring you clarity? Do you now know what to do if you’re struggling with your orgasm? I hope this has shed some light on how you can heal from anorgasmia and come to expect sexual thriving, not sexual dysfunction. Comment and let’s keep the discussion going below!

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How to Orgasm When You Can’t: A Comprehensive Guide to Healing Anorgasmia Naturally

May 13, 2025

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