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How to Reframe Jealousy & Use it to Get What You Really Want

April 14, 2019

woman in blazer, how to reframe jealousy

We’ve been taught to be ashamed of jealousy and get rid of it altogether, but what’s your jealousy trying to tell you? Here’s how to reframe jealousy and use it to get what you really want:

We Often Judge & Shame People for Feeling Jealous…

In American culture, we commonly employ jealousy in these two ways: 1) We numb our jealousy by dowsing it in humor.

woman jealous gif, how to reframe jealousy

2) Or, we use it aggressively to taunt, minimize, or make others (and ourselves) feel less than.

woman jealous gif, how to reframe jealousy

However, the emotion is much more than that. This reframe is the reason why I personally love it when I experience jealousy or envy.

how to reframe jealousy

Though we’ve been taught to view jealousy as a negative emotion, just like all emotions, it’s simply feedback information. As you continue to body journal, you’ll see that all feelings are simply reactions to your “body environment.” It’s your body reacting to what’s coming in.

When you observe something or someone that triggers jealousy, acknowledge the emotion and pay attention. What you’re seeing holds keys to greater self-knowledge and awareness.

When you feel “jealous,” think desire.

Jealousy and envy tell us what we want more of in life. 

sparkler, how to reframe jealousy

This is the first shift to make when you reframe jealousy: Know that jealousy is not about the person it’s directed at, but you. You’re not a bad person or a “hater” for having these emotions.

Jealousy and envy reveal an unacknowledged or unfulfilled longing or desire.

When you take your jealousy seriously, you uncover areas of potential growth and greater fulfillment. Sometimes, it’s hard to know what you really want from life and that’s why jealousy can be super helpful.

Still, it’s not always obvious what it is your actually jealous of and desiring. For example, earlier this year, I found myself feeling increasingly jealous of a money mindset coach’s success. At first, I fell into the old paradigm of feeling less than for being jealous. I was irritated with myself for comparing my life with hers when I knew I shouldn’t. I also couldn’t understand why I was feeling jealous when I was on a similar, though unique life path, finally living life on my own terms and pursuing my dreams.

Your Jealousy Evolves as Your Desires Evolve

noir photo, how to reframe jealousy

In this circumstance, I was looking at my jealousy from the perspective of the woman I used to be and not the woman I am. I was examining old things that made me jealous AKA old things I used to desire, like the courage to pursue a less certain and courageous career path. However, your emotions evolve as you transform.

This is the second shift to make when you reframe jealousy: Understand that what triggers jealousy will change over time to match your changing desires.

(All emotions, in general, change over time and that’s why my definition of emotional freedom is not an absence of emotion or a disregard for them, but the ability to process them and discern the messages they hold.)

Upon further reflection, I was able to realize that it wasn’t her courage and career that I was desiring. What I was desiring was greater connection, love, and abundance. My jealousy showed me parts of her life that I deeply desired, but it wasn’t not enough to simply recognize the desire.

jealousy calls us to action

All emotions call us to some kind of action. That action can be as simple as being present and choosing to open up to a new possibility or as direct as making major changes. Jealousy is an opportunity to assess your current choices and life circumstances. Are you taking all the steps to give and receive your heart’s desires? Or, are you keeping your desires at bay, choosing to remain small and unfulfilled?

The world being your mirror, any greatness or capacity you see in another is actually a greatness or capacity you see in yourself.

Limiting Beliefs to Release When You Experience Jealousy or Envy

woman on beach, how to reframe jealousy

It’s easy to come at the emotion of jealousy from the perspective of it representing something you can’t have or don’t possess.

Think about how jealousy operates in relationships. If you desire a partner that’s already in love with another, you become jealous and frustrated because you think that partner is taken and therefore cannot be yours. What you really desire is to have a love like what you’re observing – “this or something greater” – but you’re frustration arises because you’re living from a place of lack. You think there’s only one such partner in the world and if someone else has them, you can’t have them. Plus, in your desired partner’s choosing of someone else, you interpret that as judgment that you aren’t good enough.

Poorly processed jealousy makes us want to take from someone else rather than create for ourselves. That’s because we’re still hanging on to some extremely destructive limiting beliefs that are no doubt affecting us in every area of our lives.

Those limiting beliefs are: I’m not good enough. There’s not enough to go around. I live in a finite Universe.

However, this is not the message that jealousy has for you.

jealousy is here to say. . .

You can have what you desire.

The very fact that another person has it, means that you can have it, too. The Law of Attraction works on us all of us equally. You’re not so unique that Universal Laws don’t affect you.

Jealousy is here to to say: This is what you desire AND it’s possible for you to have it.

Jealousy in Romantic Relationships

If you’re wondering about jealousy as it shows up in it’s more biting form, that is, within romantic relationships, know that it delivers the same message, but with a twist. Jealousy under these circumstances is about trust and feeling secure. My recommendation is that you begin with assessing if you are trusting yourself first, before you assess your partner. Have you been honoring your intuition and your knowing? Have you been honoring yourself? Can you trust yourself to keep your word, your vows, and your commitments to yourself? Or, are you cheating yourself from the life, love, and relationship you desire?

Have you settled where you promised to request more from life?

Remember, the world is your mirror and you are the point of creation. This is not to say that you are the point of blame for another’s actions, but you are the point of creation of everything in your world. Jealousy invites you to choose to stand in a position of empowerment. It’s a question: what would you like to create?

processing jealousy

Journal Prompts to Uncover Your True Desires & Take Aligned Action

For me, jealousy gets me excited because it’s all about creation and opening myself up to receiving more from life. Once I uncovered the true trigger and my true desires, my jealousy of that manifestation coach led me to make major changes in my life for the better. In the past, I would’ve allowed my old programming and stories around jealousy to cause me to avoid that coach and the discomfort she triggered.

Now, with this understanding, I happily purchase her products and continue to receive value from her, because I’ve successfully identified the desires she triggers, I’m taking action to manifest them, and I know that I can learn from her success.

That doesn’t mean I have to live my life exactly like her in order to get what I want. I know that the possibilities are infinite and there’s more than enough to go around. I don’t have to feel threatened by her success. Instead, I’m inspired, because I can have it too.

What action is your jealousy leading you to? How is it illuminating places where you need to grow and expand?

You’ll Also Love…

The Mastering Lower Emotions Series

How to Deal with Your Emotions in a Healthy Way

How to Heal Triggers so They Don’t Rule Your Love Life

The Woman Gone Wild Podcast

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